Recently, while visiting my daughter, she mentioned a situation in which she was dealing with “passive-aggressive” behavior. It dawned on me that this is common at private clubs where the culture often precludes direct confrontation and more expeditious solution to any problem that may exist. Being and having been a member at several clubs through the years, along with having consulted with many others, I’ve observed this dynamic first hand, many times.
Passive aggression is defined by “Psychology Today” as: “a way of expressing negative feelings, such as anger or annoyance, indirectly instead of directly. Passive-aggressive behaviors are often difficult to identify and can sabotage relationships at home and at work.” Since private clubs are often perceived as bastions of good decorum, those who may find themselves offended or otherwise annoyed by someone or something often choose to file formal complaints about an incident rather than simply asking the “offender” to avoid such an action in the future. At many clubs, this dynamic often results in a culture where members and guests find themselves being uncomfortable and always “looking over their shoulder”.
Needless to say, this defeats the purpose for joining a private club, which in most cases is the recreational enjoyment of and interaction with one’s fellow members and guests, the usually excellent facilities and quality family time. HAVING FUN!
Some, often club leaders who might take club matters more seriously than most, take it upon themselves to establish unnecessary rules or unilaterally enforce those rules, even when there are no violations. This is often done in an effort to artificially enhance the club’s prestige, but usually results in unhappy members and an atmosphere contrary to the club’s purpose. We all know the one or two guys at every club like this. They have few friends, always hang or play golf with the same few people and rarely seem to be having a good time enjoying the club they presumably care so much about. Everybody talks about them, but rarely pursue it because most just want to enjoy the club rather than have it become another job.
While typically, some simply seek the power and authority involved in running the club, it’s not unheard of that those who stay too long demand preferential treatment, excuse themselves from obeying the rules they establish and even partake in financial irregularities. Believe it or not, I’ve provided professional services in suspected fraud cases. It happens!
According to “Psychology Today”, passive aggression is toxic because indirect attacks can be more exasperating than direct ones. Another reason passive-aggressive behavior is so harmful is because the behavior is so indirect you may think the problem is with you. Wouldn’t you rather a co-worker who’s upset with you tell you directly rather than talk about you behind your back (or in this case, a fellow member)? It reminds me of that old song by The O’Jay’s, Back Stabbers. “They smile in your face, all the time they wanna take your place”. At some clubs, suspensions of membership privileges are handed out like free tees in the pro shop. The members are so conscious of often arcane and obscure rules that even their guests become uncomfortable. I always recall the time I went to play golf at a very prominent club as a guest and my host met me in the parking lot and before even saying hello asked where my cell phone was. Upon informing him that the ringer was off, he directed me to “leave it in the car”. Great way to start a fun day – NOT.
Conversely, upon learning that the general manager of another club had come from the ski industry, I asked how she liked the club world. Her answer was telling. “We’re trying to import some of the ski-vibe here.” In other words, creating an atmosphere of relaxed and comfortable fun, like what is typically found at even the most upscale ski areas was the goal. Yes, there are, and should be rules. However, rules should have a purpose and solve a problem. Many clubs have rules too numerous to remember, overzealous club board members obsessed with expanding those rules, staff charged with enforcing those rules and often inconsistent application of rules.
Growing the game of golf in a sustainable way will require a broadening of its appeal to groups not heretofore embraced by the games “power brokers” and despite golf’s numerous virtues player retention challenges could persist. Young people, especially, the future of the game we all love demand an atmosphere more relaxed than “your father’s club”, even those that have achieved affluence at an early age. Let’s welcome them, “for the good of the game” and evolve with the times while still maintaining the most important traditions.